woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Randomize
