Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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