dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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