More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
