Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
