Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
