My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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