My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
