You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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