My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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