I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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