I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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