When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
