he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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