My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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