He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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