shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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