That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
