Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
whose parrot is this?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
