If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
