I'm really into asian looking animals
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
