my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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