R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
