my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
