we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
