I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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