Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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