I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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