She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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