i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
