i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
