the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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