Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
