It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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