I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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