if you like me you must not know who I am
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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