Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
