someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
BRING THE BAGELS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
