If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
