so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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