Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
