Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
