Having a random hookup so left but love u
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
