My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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