So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
