Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
