You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
