god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
