i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
