im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
