hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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