Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
