I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
