Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
