I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
tell your sister to shave her snatch
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
