Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
