I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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