weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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