i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
