Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
