Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
