I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
