i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sorry about my life...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
